It's been a while.

It's been a while that I've made a post.. I really feel like shit, but I think I need to get this feeling out of me. It makes me weak, vulnerable, sensitive. I'm not really sure what to feel, I guess all the bad feelings crumbled up will be the sum of my feelings right now. It kinda sucks.

The fact that my counterpart is sick, and I don't have anything for her. Just my stupid text messages. I mean siguro ganun na nga ako ka useless, it's been a week na hindi kami nagkikita.. Ang hirap at ang sakit sakit. I haven't felt like this for a very long time. I feel nothings in order. Everything's messed up. I can't be happy, knowing she's not feeling while, tired of everything that includes me. That's hard to swallow. The more I be me, the more she suffers. And of course being the loving boyfriend that I can be.. It's fucking hard. It always is. Ang less ko na sa minamahal ko. Ang pathetic.. I hope she has the will or faith to stay. I really want her to stay, I will never want to lose her. She's everything to me..

I'd give anything to be with her right now. I'll give up my toe if I have to. Just let me be with her.. I feel so weak, dammit. I'm sooo inlove with her and yet I can't do anything, but say I love you..

I miss.

I miss you, that's all I can say.

When I think of you instead of a brain a bottom line.

When I'm not with you..

instead of a heart, a gears of labor.

Oh how I wish I can be with you all day.

This life of mine will change forever.

Just as long as you stay with me.

The hearts that you've broken, for the smiles that you shared.

You will always have me.

I'm never alone.

I'm never alone. I will always have that special someone with me. She will never abandon me, LEAve me, but if she does.. I now promise that I will chase her, and just hug her and never let go.

I'm never alone, why?! Because this very person promised to love me for as long as I live? She promised me everything.. Well, she will give me everything. Always.. She took care of me. I will do the same.

PDA.

I'm not a fan of PDA, really. But, I've changed a lot when I fell in love with my counterpart, Lea. Dati nga naiilang pa ako makapgholding hands sa mga ex ko eh.. I'm not sure why, maybe I guess I find it very uncomfortable..

 Even if wala akong pakielam sa mga ibang tao, baka ako talaga yung may ayaw. I'm not used to that kinds of stuff. I may not display my intimacy, but I know how to give it. I'm not dissing PDA, I just can't handle it that much. A simple gesture of sweetness, is too sweet for me already. Like rubbing your hand sa likod ng counterpart mo, or playing with his hair (fuck!), or sumandal ka sa shoulder ng counterpart mo, a quick cheek kiss.. That to me is very sweet already.

The person that makes me happy..

The person that makes me happy, exists. She do.. She is not a fantasy. Her name is Lea. She's more than just a pin-up girl. She has swag. She's the most bad-ass chic I know. She can make fall unto my knees.. Makes me beg for more love or happiness. She can kick your ass, not just physically.. She can read thoughts.. Attack you emotionally.

Even if she's that of a bad-ass, she's really sweet when it comes to me. Very sweet, indeed. I love her as much... I guess her Kyprtonite is me..I hope I am.

Looking..

We will never get tired of this issue. Looking at someone. I'm not even looking.

Today, me and Lea walked sa may Beta Epsilon way. And we noticed this girls and guys who were trying to do photography or some sort. And we didn't pay too much attention to it. Anyways, we decided to sit at some rock or table of some sort. And we had our laughs, and sorrows. After that thing.. We were sitting being quite, and all when suddenly I noticed that one of the girls is familiar looking, and there it was. I was right it's the girl from church! My EX CRUSH! I asked Lea if she noticed. And she said she didn't notice. So, "I didn't want to tell her or I must or should tell her" kind of feeling, kasi I don't keep things from her. Anyways, so I did tell her. And she ended up going berserk. I know she will. I explained na I wasn't looking and all.. Well I am not. Well she knows she did, and i'm not sure how.

But I didn't I was only looking at the leaves. It just happened that may head was positioned at the direction where that girl is.

You have to forgive me..

All I can say is that you have to forgive me. I can't give you everything, I just want you to trust me that I will never ever do it again. Feels like my world shattered. I don't have any reason, why I did it. But the main thing here is I knew that it will hurt you, and I still did it. I'm sorry for my actions. Plain stupidity. From this day on, you can call me a genuine dishonest man. It's not easy na tawagan kang ganyan, and it's not easy.. First of all no one will trsut you anymore, well that's the point. How can I live with this, for having a bad record.. I'm not even sure if I have true friends, or even fake ones. I'm all by myself. I will fix this with my own.

The pain and love that I never knew that existed.

The love that I never knew existed, comes with the pain that I never knew existed. Sometimes when you love someone.. You give your 101% or sometimes the half of it. 101% you give to someone who truly deserves it, the one that you trust.. Even if that someone you know for like a minute ago, you have to take that risk, but it really depends on you. If you think that someone will treasure your trust.. A gut feeling perhaps.

I gave mine to the girl who I knew that never existed, crazy right? It's crazy for me because after knowing this girl for like weeks, I told her that I love her already.. And that's a first. I have said those words. But am not the first one who releases it. It's always the girl. And knowing this girl from UP. I just said it out loud.  "I don't like you, I love you." That's how I said it. It changed my life. The world moved. I was on heaven.. I finally said I love to the girl who really earned it. That's a ballsy move for me. I didn't think twice or have doubts when I said that. I'm just that sure. I will marry this girl. It's not always love, well not all of it is love.

Now, as you may know when you love pain comes with it. It's a complete package. It's never a solo deal. If you buy love you have to take pain with you. Now, this pain we call. It really hurts no matter what.. Physically, emotionally, lustfully?! Hehe. It will bring us down to the darkest paths.. It leads one thing to another. When you say one cruel thing, the next one will be easy. Because you know that you've already inflicted pain which makes it easier to inflict more. What can go wrong? Right.. Wrong, it can cause you everything that you have. Specifically one thing that sums up to everything which is that someone that you trusted with your love. You have choices.. We always do. Somehow pain will always be the choice, but it comes with love. I told you it's a package. No matter how painful it is, it comes with a fistful of love and that is not enough. It should be a handful of love.. Or better no more pain. But again it love comes with pain. Sacrificing, analyzing, thinking, learning.. She said to me that, nanghinayang na siyang minahal niya ako. It broke me into pieces like a shattered glass.. Smashed into a million pieces. But you know what. Hindi ako nanghinayang.. Kasi kung hindi dahil sa kanya hindi ako matutuong magmahal ng ganito, and sa kanya ko lang gusto ibuhos lahat yun. I love her, she's my pain, my sorrow, my depression, my craziness, my heartache, my heartbreak.. She's my life. And I'm keeping her forever. No one can take that away from me.

-If you touch her, I'll cut your hands and shove it up on your throat.
-If you look at her, I'll poke you eyes with a pencil.
-If you talk to her, I'll cut your tongue and make it lick a dog's balls.
-If you try to hurt her, you'll be sending yourself into hell.
-If you talk to her bad, I'll humiliate you at the worst possible thing I can do.
-If you try anything against her, you'll be seeing yourself naked in a public place.

I'm just that possessive. Fuck you all if you try to take her away from me.

19..

It feels like I'm getting old.. 19 months of pure happiness, and mean-ness. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I know I can be happy with her. I guess, pagod na pagod na din siya. Fuck, I really don't know what to say. I'm tired as hell. She told me I was empty.. It's true. I am all drained out, and I have nowhere to go anymore. I have nothing left on me. Running away is my best idea, and also my worst. I'm not gonna leave them behind, because of my failure. I know someday they will appreciate my failure.. If there's one thing I would regret is.. Being myself. Don't make the same mistake as I did. A failure as a Counterpart, a failure as a human being.

Boring.

Am I boring? That's I ask myself from now an then. I guess, because I was been judged boring. Well, When I was single.. I've been like this for like two years or one, that I'm not sure of. I wasn't boring. I guess, I just don't had the obligations of being a boyfriend yet. Well now I'm obliged to make Lea happy.. Am not complaining that I can't give her that, but what happened is, because of me being boring well she caught it?! (Nahawa)

I can say she did, definitely. Because now she became this home buddy. Well, she's not like that then.. She does the things that makes her happy. Malling with friends, drinking sessions, and having the free spirited kind of thing. I admit I failed to give her that. And it hurts. I really don't know what to do. She's not even excited anymore when I make plans to make her happy. I asked her earlier that I wanted to dance with her.. And the music, So close it played at the movie Enchanted. I felt happy thinking I could waltz her to happiness.. Nothing works anymore. I am still the boring person I know, because I just said those plans never done it. I still love her even if she's being that harsh, brutal honesty. She's not trying to change me she's just trying to make me better.

Lea, just so you know I am the best possible version when I'm with you, and that won't always be the case, because I'm not with you all the time.

Hurts..

It hurts every time, walang tamang oras or mali para masaktan.. I'm not being emotional. That's a fact, you will never know how it hurts, unless you've experienced it. It's easy to hurt the one you love, because you know what hurts them.

A dash of salt, to make things harder.. It will never be easy to love someone, but it's easy as hell to hurt.

R.I.P

R.I.P to the girl I used to see..

She's not herself anymore. She changed.. She loves me more than ever. Even if she doesn't show it all the time.

All will be fine. And everything will work out..

Expectations..

I thought I exceeded her expectations already. Well, I guess not. I lack of actions. There I admit it. Or I'm just forced to swallow that pill. As far as I know. I am doing my best. It's not like that I'll LEAve her. I can't and I won't. Every chance I get, I'd do the things that I promised. The fact that chances are rarely been with me. Maybe, I'm just too scared to take the risk, but it's for the good, maybe for the best. If I can only disobey my parents.. I'd be living a life now with her.

I think I still need them. I'm still a kid. Life is simple. You have to invent-reinvent, construct-deconstruct, create-recreate. In order to survive.

Loving you makes me happy. Making you happy makes me happier.

Since you're not going to talk to me...

Since you're not going to talk to me. I'll make this blogs post. I'm not going to repeat this anymore.

You tell me that you gave it your all, I'm glad. I saw that, hence I've experienced it. I'm thankful that you did, but still I'm the cold hard guy that you couldn't well defrost.

When I say I'm okay. I will be. I tried to tell you that I will be.. Inunahan mo ako sa nararamdaman ko. I'm the one who's pissed, I know that I'll stop, it came from, the guys that's pissed. The only person who can know that is me. You can't judge that. You got all you wanted.. And the whole afternoon I was pissed, I give this one thing that I want to do.. You declined. And I deserve that. I know that will make me okay, us okay. You don't trust the person that's feeling that.. He knows he'll be okay.. Hell, he even knows when to stop.

Sometimes, you walk away because you know what you did was wrong.. You just want to escape from it. But the truth hurts.. You accept na nagawa mo yun. I'm not sure what to do right now.

All I hear is nagawa ko na lahat. You called me Punyeta. You screamed at the top of your lungs. I didn't follow. Are you angry because you know you're wrong or Are you just don't know how to make me sorry.. All I do is worry, because sometimes you can be reckless.. You can do the things that will hurt a lot or say things that will hurt a lot. No matter what. I will still love you.

I just want to say these things.. No one will ever listen to me. All I have is this blogger and you.

Tagalog.

Ngayon lang ako magpopost ng tagalog na tagalog. Walang ingles, ni isa.
Kung mag mamahal ka ng isang tao.

Lubuslubusin mo na yung tipong pwede kang mamatay pag nag mahal pwede naman, at masasaktan ka din ng sobra. Kasi bihira lang makapagmahal ng isang tao na mahal na mahal mo. Hindi mo na siya mapapalitan..

Ayaw mo na siyang palitan. Kasi alam mo sa puso mo na siya na yung hinahanap mo. Siya na yung kaiisa isa mong mamahalin. Kung baga habang buhay mo na siyang makakasama.

Lahat ng pagsubok ay madadaanan ng mga nag mamahalan. May madali.. At madalas masakit. Lahat ng tao ay may karapatan magmahal, At magmahal ng sobra kahit na may mga matatapakan sila. Pag nagmahal ka, tiyaka mo lang malalaman kung bakit ka nabuhay dito sa mundong ito.

Lahat tayo ay meron din makakasama habang buhay. Makikilala natin sila. At ako nakilala ko na.