You have to forgive me..

All I can say is that you have to forgive me. I can't give you everything, I just want you to trust me that I will never ever do it again. Feels like my world shattered. I don't have any reason, why I did it. But the main thing here is I knew that it will hurt you, and I still did it. I'm sorry for my actions. Plain stupidity. From this day on, you can call me a genuine dishonest man. It's not easy na tawagan kang ganyan, and it's not easy.. First of all no one will trsut you anymore, well that's the point. How can I live with this, for having a bad record.. I'm not even sure if I have true friends, or even fake ones. I'm all by myself. I will fix this with my own.

The pain and love that I never knew that existed.

The love that I never knew existed, comes with the pain that I never knew existed. Sometimes when you love someone.. You give your 101% or sometimes the half of it. 101% you give to someone who truly deserves it, the one that you trust.. Even if that someone you know for like a minute ago, you have to take that risk, but it really depends on you. If you think that someone will treasure your trust.. A gut feeling perhaps.

I gave mine to the girl who I knew that never existed, crazy right? It's crazy for me because after knowing this girl for like weeks, I told her that I love her already.. And that's a first. I have said those words. But am not the first one who releases it. It's always the girl. And knowing this girl from UP. I just said it out loud.  "I don't like you, I love you." That's how I said it. It changed my life. The world moved. I was on heaven.. I finally said I love to the girl who really earned it. That's a ballsy move for me. I didn't think twice or have doubts when I said that. I'm just that sure. I will marry this girl. It's not always love, well not all of it is love.

Now, as you may know when you love pain comes with it. It's a complete package. It's never a solo deal. If you buy love you have to take pain with you. Now, this pain we call. It really hurts no matter what.. Physically, emotionally, lustfully?! Hehe. It will bring us down to the darkest paths.. It leads one thing to another. When you say one cruel thing, the next one will be easy. Because you know that you've already inflicted pain which makes it easier to inflict more. What can go wrong? Right.. Wrong, it can cause you everything that you have. Specifically one thing that sums up to everything which is that someone that you trusted with your love. You have choices.. We always do. Somehow pain will always be the choice, but it comes with love. I told you it's a package. No matter how painful it is, it comes with a fistful of love and that is not enough. It should be a handful of love.. Or better no more pain. But again it love comes with pain. Sacrificing, analyzing, thinking, learning.. She said to me that, nanghinayang na siyang minahal niya ako. It broke me into pieces like a shattered glass.. Smashed into a million pieces. But you know what. Hindi ako nanghinayang.. Kasi kung hindi dahil sa kanya hindi ako matutuong magmahal ng ganito, and sa kanya ko lang gusto ibuhos lahat yun. I love her, she's my pain, my sorrow, my depression, my craziness, my heartache, my heartbreak.. She's my life. And I'm keeping her forever. No one can take that away from me.

-If you touch her, I'll cut your hands and shove it up on your throat.
-If you look at her, I'll poke you eyes with a pencil.
-If you talk to her, I'll cut your tongue and make it lick a dog's balls.
-If you try to hurt her, you'll be sending yourself into hell.
-If you talk to her bad, I'll humiliate you at the worst possible thing I can do.
-If you try anything against her, you'll be seeing yourself naked in a public place.

I'm just that possessive. Fuck you all if you try to take her away from me.

19..

It feels like I'm getting old.. 19 months of pure happiness, and mean-ness. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I know I can be happy with her. I guess, pagod na pagod na din siya. Fuck, I really don't know what to say. I'm tired as hell. She told me I was empty.. It's true. I am all drained out, and I have nowhere to go anymore. I have nothing left on me. Running away is my best idea, and also my worst. I'm not gonna leave them behind, because of my failure. I know someday they will appreciate my failure.. If there's one thing I would regret is.. Being myself. Don't make the same mistake as I did. A failure as a Counterpart, a failure as a human being.

Boring.

Am I boring? That's I ask myself from now an then. I guess, because I was been judged boring. Well, When I was single.. I've been like this for like two years or one, that I'm not sure of. I wasn't boring. I guess, I just don't had the obligations of being a boyfriend yet. Well now I'm obliged to make Lea happy.. Am not complaining that I can't give her that, but what happened is, because of me being boring well she caught it?! (Nahawa)

I can say she did, definitely. Because now she became this home buddy. Well, she's not like that then.. She does the things that makes her happy. Malling with friends, drinking sessions, and having the free spirited kind of thing. I admit I failed to give her that. And it hurts. I really don't know what to do. She's not even excited anymore when I make plans to make her happy. I asked her earlier that I wanted to dance with her.. And the music, So close it played at the movie Enchanted. I felt happy thinking I could waltz her to happiness.. Nothing works anymore. I am still the boring person I know, because I just said those plans never done it. I still love her even if she's being that harsh, brutal honesty. She's not trying to change me she's just trying to make me better.

Lea, just so you know I am the best possible version when I'm with you, and that won't always be the case, because I'm not with you all the time.

Hurts..

It hurts every time, walang tamang oras or mali para masaktan.. I'm not being emotional. That's a fact, you will never know how it hurts, unless you've experienced it. It's easy to hurt the one you love, because you know what hurts them.

A dash of salt, to make things harder.. It will never be easy to love someone, but it's easy as hell to hurt.