It's been a while.

It's been a while that I've made a post.. I really feel like shit, but I think I need to get this feeling out of me. It makes me weak, vulnerable, sensitive. I'm not really sure what to feel, I guess all the bad feelings crumbled up will be the sum of my feelings right now. It kinda sucks.

The fact that my counterpart is sick, and I don't have anything for her. Just my stupid text messages. I mean siguro ganun na nga ako ka useless, it's been a week na hindi kami nagkikita.. Ang hirap at ang sakit sakit. I haven't felt like this for a very long time. I feel nothings in order. Everything's messed up. I can't be happy, knowing she's not feeling while, tired of everything that includes me. That's hard to swallow. The more I be me, the more she suffers. And of course being the loving boyfriend that I can be.. It's fucking hard. It always is. Ang less ko na sa minamahal ko. Ang pathetic.. I hope she has the will or faith to stay. I really want her to stay, I will never want to lose her. She's everything to me..

I'd give anything to be with her right now. I'll give up my toe if I have to. Just let me be with her.. I feel so weak, dammit. I'm sooo inlove with her and yet I can't do anything, but say I love you..

I miss.

I miss you, that's all I can say.

When I think of you instead of a brain a bottom line.

When I'm not with you..

instead of a heart, a gears of labor.

Oh how I wish I can be with you all day.

This life of mine will change forever.

Just as long as you stay with me.

The hearts that you've broken, for the smiles that you shared.

You will always have me.

I'm never alone.

I'm never alone. I will always have that special someone with me. She will never abandon me, LEAve me, but if she does.. I now promise that I will chase her, and just hug her and never let go.

I'm never alone, why?! Because this very person promised to love me for as long as I live? She promised me everything.. Well, she will give me everything. Always.. She took care of me. I will do the same.

PDA.

I'm not a fan of PDA, really. But, I've changed a lot when I fell in love with my counterpart, Lea. Dati nga naiilang pa ako makapgholding hands sa mga ex ko eh.. I'm not sure why, maybe I guess I find it very uncomfortable..

 Even if wala akong pakielam sa mga ibang tao, baka ako talaga yung may ayaw. I'm not used to that kinds of stuff. I may not display my intimacy, but I know how to give it. I'm not dissing PDA, I just can't handle it that much. A simple gesture of sweetness, is too sweet for me already. Like rubbing your hand sa likod ng counterpart mo, or playing with his hair (fuck!), or sumandal ka sa shoulder ng counterpart mo, a quick cheek kiss.. That to me is very sweet already.

The person that makes me happy..

The person that makes me happy, exists. She do.. She is not a fantasy. Her name is Lea. She's more than just a pin-up girl. She has swag. She's the most bad-ass chic I know. She can make fall unto my knees.. Makes me beg for more love or happiness. She can kick your ass, not just physically.. She can read thoughts.. Attack you emotionally.

Even if she's that of a bad-ass, she's really sweet when it comes to me. Very sweet, indeed. I love her as much... I guess her Kyprtonite is me..I hope I am.

Looking..

We will never get tired of this issue. Looking at someone. I'm not even looking.

Today, me and Lea walked sa may Beta Epsilon way. And we noticed this girls and guys who were trying to do photography or some sort. And we didn't pay too much attention to it. Anyways, we decided to sit at some rock or table of some sort. And we had our laughs, and sorrows. After that thing.. We were sitting being quite, and all when suddenly I noticed that one of the girls is familiar looking, and there it was. I was right it's the girl from church! My EX CRUSH! I asked Lea if she noticed. And she said she didn't notice. So, "I didn't want to tell her or I must or should tell her" kind of feeling, kasi I don't keep things from her. Anyways, so I did tell her. And she ended up going berserk. I know she will. I explained na I wasn't looking and all.. Well I am not. Well she knows she did, and i'm not sure how.

But I didn't I was only looking at the leaves. It just happened that may head was positioned at the direction where that girl is.

You have to forgive me..

All I can say is that you have to forgive me. I can't give you everything, I just want you to trust me that I will never ever do it again. Feels like my world shattered. I don't have any reason, why I did it. But the main thing here is I knew that it will hurt you, and I still did it. I'm sorry for my actions. Plain stupidity. From this day on, you can call me a genuine dishonest man. It's not easy na tawagan kang ganyan, and it's not easy.. First of all no one will trsut you anymore, well that's the point. How can I live with this, for having a bad record.. I'm not even sure if I have true friends, or even fake ones. I'm all by myself. I will fix this with my own.